However. One wise woman told me to go out and buy our baby exactly what I wanted. When I asked how I was to handle everything that had been given, she just told me to pack it all up, and store it away, without guilt. I did exactly that (with a little guilt). When I asked my Mother in a nice way to not buy so much, she threw a disappointment-fit…..but, you know, it almost couldn’t be avoided. It’s just one of those things. She eventually got over it….about 2 years later..lol. Better late than never, right?

@HGM - Unsolicited advice seems to be everyone’s forte in life! I agree completely that it is patronising! Some people take a while to understand that the advice they are pounding out is just not wanted. I have through this one experience (of course, this is a huge experience!) found that sometimes you need to hurt others to allow what should be a very happy time in my life to continue to be happy.
Through all of this, I am getting to the point where the ones who dont get the hint will find me walking in to their house and telling them why all the things in there need to change, and do it “like this as it is the best way”. I cannot see anyone accepting this, so how nice it would be for them to see that the advice on my child is also not so wanted!

Wow, we got some great comments on this post! I wrote it as a “get it off of my chest”, and thank you for your amazing, really thought out comments.

I swear, any time I introduce intellect or competence into something I write, typos abound, apparently to add that element of humility.

I’m pretty good for stuff like that.

Yes, I can completely understand your frustration, as people tend to be VERY overbearing at a time like this, and the fact that you two will be NEW parents (as everyone with kids seems place the focus) it puts you at a greater disadvantage to receiving the onslought of unsolicited advice.

However, you mentioned that they (all the advice-givers) managed just fine on their own, yet you must realize that while they did, they were likely also subject to all the same shit you guys are now going through. And they probably hated it too, but it’s sort of like a right of passage. I am in NO way justifying it, just letting you know that they suffered through it at one point (and for whatever reason feel the need to continue the unnecessary tradition).

Secondly, I don’t know if anyone is including gift receipts, but if so you could exchange some of the stuff for larger sizes, as what sucks is that you will have far more than she could ever wear the first few months, then BAM! Nothing. People who are smart give gift cards, something off a registry, or at very least by up a size or two for that “later on” time that no one ever thinks to buy for. (Granted they have to be intelligent enough to do the math and hopefully by the right size for the right season, but the sizes are in like 3 or 6 month increments, so it’s really not that hard!)

In any case…getting to my point about clothes, is that you two should still feel free to buy a few things and put her in them regardless of how many zillions of other outfits she has. She will be your child and that is a part of the joy and there is absolutely no reason you should allow yourself to be robbed of that. Period.

OK, so there’s MY unsolicited parental two-cents!!

We know it is rude to not accept the gifts, and we understand that it is also a grandchild etc. It is just hard to make people understand that they have done it before, and now it is our turn. One thing is the second hand clothes which “Have only been used once”. Once would imply you bought it for your child. Thus you only wanted new clothes for your child, so why find it hard to accept that we also may just want new clothes etc?

Jane, you have hit on it bigtime with the advice when it is a birth and not a death. People seem scared to do it. It is because people dont want to hear the pain you may be feeling from a death. People are all too often only willing to be there for the happy occassions. It is sad really. If a friend or family member is going through something like that, surely the fact you are a friend would mean you would do anything in your power to help, which can mean exactly what this post says. Take a step back should the person require it and just make that effort when they ask for it. Be it verbal or by something they do.

I am very much with Jim with the buying something we dont tell people about. Although, that one item so far is the clothes she will leave hospital in. And if someone thinks they are buying that outfit, boy are they going to be upset!

It’s understandable that friends and family want to share what can be a momentus occasion but you’re right they should think carefully.It’s a pleasure for a mother during a first pregnancy to dwell over the little suits and booties..it’s all part of preparing yourself for the occasion, thinking about the prospect of sharing your life with a new little being. These are precious moments and shouldn’t be taken away.

But of course people mean well and one should accept that the the intentions are good; it’s a tough one; a fine balance is needed. Myself, I prefer to give a gift, rather than money, but I always think really hard about what be right and if I can’t find the right thing I just say so and a gift arives at some other time. For mothers I don’t know really well but I still want to give a gift to, I know it’s daft- but I always give nappies! It’s boring but at least you know they’ll be used and the money saved will be released to buy something they would really like.

Having to share a baby with over zealous relatives can be difficult - the hardest experience for me was when Sam my eldest was born. He was 5 weeks premature, spent time in special care and it was not easy. Eventually, at Christmas, we were discharged.. My in- laws insisted on coming down, cooking the Christmnas meal and staying for a week. I didn’t have the heart to say “no” as by then they were in their 70s and it was their first grandchild. But in truth it became one of the most stressful weeks ever - I was tired, stressed from early birth and complications and trying to breast feed. I just did not need them around - I needed my own space to learn in private. I couldn’t wait for them to be gone and the sigh of relief that resounded was enormous when they eventally left!

Looking back, I’m glad I held my tongue - it was special for them too particularly at that time of life but yes I wish it had been different; that the time had been mine alone.

So hey, I kinda agree with you! There’s a time and a place for gifts, advice and help but also there’s the gift of just being there at the right time, saying the right thing or indeed saying nothing at all. But we’re all only human; it’s difficult to get things right all the time.

Hmm..this has gone on a lot… but just to finish off on..I’ve noticed when it comes to birth people have plenty of advice etc and can talk for hours but when it comes to death it’s quite often the other way round. Maybe it shouldn’t be. What do you think?

The people that are buying all the stuff for the baby are just trying to help and don’t understand when you say slow down because they are getting an immense amount of joy from helping.

How I battled this was to find a few things that I specifically wanted for the baby and would not tell anyone about that way I could the things I wanted for The Dude and still be able to say thank you and mean it when even more gifts showed up.

It is a tough situation but a workable one.